Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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