All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
