Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
