first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
