What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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