Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
