Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
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ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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