im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
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I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
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Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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