Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
