My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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