i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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