we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
