I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
