just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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