I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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