I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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