I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
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I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
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At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.