i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
