Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
