Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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