me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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