Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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