her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
