someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize