My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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