I wish I only lived at night.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
