my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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