In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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