I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize