I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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