The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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