I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
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Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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