Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
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