youre lurking in front of me
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Come on in and take your pants off
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