I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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