if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
