He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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