every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
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I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
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The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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