Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
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My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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