well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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