i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
