I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
