Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
