we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
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How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
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Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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