Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
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she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
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Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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