I could make wine with my vomit
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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