two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
