Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
