Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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