It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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