Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
