so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
