mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
