your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
